Aaah oui, allow me to introduce myself. Antoine l'Escargot.
Yeah, I prefer to speak French.
The name Escargot sounds so much more refined. Imagine "Snail", Tony Snail? Nah, sounds like a character from a Chicago gangster movie. And they told me I'm way too slow to play in a gangster movie when I tried to audition once. Nah, that did not work.
So there, Antoine l' Escargot. It has an aristocratic ring to it , don't you think?
One morning, not so long ago, I woke up to this cliffhanger of a story...
Mon Dieu, I'm quite sure this was not what I had in mind when I was heading home last night.
Yeah, I know. My house is on my back, so I'm always home, right? Hmm.
Somebody must have picked me up or something. Probably that Jientje woman with her camera. Yeah, should have known. Trespassing her patio without being noticed? Uh-uh!
I slowly ... (yeah, us snails do everything slowly, haven't you noticed?)
Anyway, as I was saying, I SLOWLY slimed myself from my hiding place ...
No way I'm taking this plunge! Snails don't DO bungee jumps, uh-uh!
I think I'm just going to sit this one out.
Wait till she picks me up again. And then what? Oooh, the worries!
I could end up on her plate, for all I know. Yeah, they do that to snails. They let you starve for a couple of days, and then they cook you in an aromatic broth, and serve you with garlic butter!
Aaack, and I LOATHE garlic! And they use your house as a serving dish! Aaack!!! The horror!!
And I don't CARE if she's a good cook or not!
I'm getting the hell out of here! As FAST as snails can be?
Before she catches me again.